Mark Lanegan & Tom Waits go on a Journey

[Leash]

Mark Lanegan & Tom Waits (& Friends) Go on a Journey

--

Our story takes place in a cottage called Bron-y-aur.
Mark Lanegan, Tom Waits, and some familiar faces are having a very intriguing discussion about gravelly voices, and how Mark and Tom got their own gravelly voices. But some very fun things happened on the way there, so we can't get to part that happens at the cottage until later.

If I know Tom Waits and Mark Lanegan very well--which I don't--then I will tell you that they both very much enjoy a good afternoon tea. And that is just what they were doing, kids, having a good afternoon tea.

[you young children ask]: "But why are Tom Waits and Mark Lagan having tea together in the cottage Led Zeppelin stayed at when they wrote one of their albums?"
[the wise storyteller says]: "It's pronounced Lanegan. And I will tell you if you'd like..."
And so our story begins....

Tom was sitting at a bar one late evening, drinking lots and lots of liquor as he always does when he doesn't have a tea-buddy. Then he sees a very distinguished looking gentleman on the bar stage singing in a gravelly voice. Tom thought to himself "I like drinkin', but that man can sing. I wonder if he likes a good afternoon tea."

After the show is over, as Mark is walking off stage to order a round of vodka, Tom approaches him and asks "you don't need to drink that commie shit, let's get ourselves some tea and go to Bron-y-aur."
Of course Mark couldn't pass up a good afternoon tea with a fellow gravel-vocalist... because as we all know, Mark also likes tea.

Mark and Tom were walking... wait, no.. they were skipping their way down the side-walk to the humble cottage of Bron-y-aur. And Mark says "gee wiz, Tom, I'm feeling a bit tired, what do you say we stop and get ourselves some crumpets to go with our tea?"
Tom: "*grunt*I like whiskey... I mean, mmm, crumpets."
Mark: "swell, lets go to that general store nearby to get some!"

So our friend Mark and Tom took a break from skipping their way to Bron-y-aur to the General Store to pick up some snacks to go with their tea.
But wait!!! Isn't that our good old friend Hiro Yamato standing in the magazine section looking at the latest edition of "Cat Fancy"?
Mark says: "holy frollicking tea drinkers, Tom Waits!!! Isn't that our swell friend Hiro Yamamato!?!?"
Tom: "hmm... I recon I might have seen him jammin' with that Cornell fella' a while back."
Mark: "wow, that really is our good friend Hiro Yamamato! Hello Hiro!"
Hiro: "Ow! You don't have to yell, that was right in my ear!"
Mark: "It's so great to see you, Hiro. My pal Tom Waits and I are on a journey to the Bron-y-aur cottage for a good afternoon tea, would you care to join us, friend Hiro?"
Hiro: "Hey man, you're still right in my face, I can hear you. If you back off, and if I get something a little less girly than tea and crumpets, I'll go. But only because I don't want to run into that that girl who has it in for me, so it's not a favor to you, I just don't think she'll show up with you in company."
Tom: "hmm.. I spent the evenin' with a little lady last night, she knew how to drink."
Mark: "That's wonderful! Off we go!"

Now that our friend Hiro Yamamato is going with our friends Mark and Tom to Bron-y-aur, this good afternoon tea will be even better than before... and a bit more interesting...
WHAM! Out of nowhere, a shuriken zings past Hiro's face and sticks itself into a tree. Look out Hiro, it's your sworn enemy, Shirley Manson! You forgot she had been training to be a ninja!
Just as quickly as he nearly loses his nostrils, he unsheathes his sword, and is ready for a battle... for little did she know, Hiro had also been training, but to be a Samurai...
Zing-king-king-king!!! Three more shurikens fly at him, but luckily he deflects them with his sword. Then the evil Shirley leaps out from the darkness, with a sword of her own...
A fight breaks out! The two are locked in horrific combat... steel being swung left and right, up and down... clashing, and clashing again, and again and again....
Mark and Tom stand back with caution, for they could not have been prepared for what they are witnessing now.
Hiro leaps into the air with his blade ready to come down onto his foe... but she retaliates. Shirley rolls to the side, and when Hiro lands she hits a tornado roundhouse kick to the back of his head... Hiro is down.
He rolls over, seeing her standing above him, sword in hand... and something else happens... A sudden overcast, and it begins to rain.
He believes he is to be defeated... because Shirley Manson is only happy when it rains.
Then he sees a ray of hope, peering through the clouds... an arrow comes out of nowhere and impales Shirley straight through the heart. She has a look of anguish on her face, and tumbles and falls to the side, and the clouds begin to dissapate.
But how can this be? Hiro escaped the clutches of death at the hands of Shirley Manson, and it was raining.
Mark Lanegan shouts with glee: "Look, over there! It's Bjork! She was the one who shot Shirley!"
Tom says: "aye, she be a good trusty misses."
Hiro brings himself to his feet, and bows his head to her, and says: "What a great shot m'lady! I was doomed for sure, had you not shown up. Bjork is your name?"
Bjork: "No, you have it wrong, it rhymes with 'jerk.' And I never thought she could sing anyway, that Shirley."
Hiro: "But that was a graceful shot, nonetheless. You've saved my life, and I am thouroughly impressed."
Bjork: "Yeah, save it. Look, I was on my way to Bron-y-aur 'cause I heard something about an afternoon tea, but I don't think anybody but Mark here is girly enough to attend something like that."
Tom: "I like a good whiskey... hmm, tea ain't so bad."
Bjork: "What?"
Hiro: "Don't listen to him. Well, you don't say, we actually were headed towards Bron-y-aur for an afternoon tea, I think it was those two that started it, actually."

Bjork decides she likes Hiro and accomanies the party to Bron-y-aur. And thus, their journey continues...

[kids]: "Who's Bjork?"
[wise storyteller]: "Ugh... she's the one who wore a goose on the red carpet."

...Our adventurers Tom and Mark realise they drank too much back at the bar, and they can't hold it, so they decide to piss in the woods.
And while the group is waiting on those two to take care of business, they hear something off in the distance.
Hiro: "Say, madam Bjork, what do you think that noise is?"
Bjork: "I'm not madam, I'm Bjork. It sounds like a goat."
Hiro: "You're right, it does sound like a goat! Let's go investigate."
Bjork: "Sure thing."

Hiro and Bjork trail off after what sounds like a goat, meanwhile...
Mark and Tom get done pissing in the woods and notice their companions are gone. They hear something, too, but it doesn't sound like a goat.
Mark: "holy whinneying goats Tom Waits! What is that noise I'm hearing?"
Tom: "I recon it's just the wind."
Mark: "Oh, be quiet. I really am hearing something. It sounds like... yes, it sounds like a dog barking!"
Tom: "I suppose."
So Tom and Mark trail off to find out what is doing all that dog barking.
Meanwhile...
Hiro and Bjork are just walking through these woods in pursuit of this goat sounding thing, and they are having a bit of a conversation.
Hiro: "So where did you learn to shoot an arrow like that."
Bjork: "I would have to say it came naturally to me. I just started playing with bows as a kid, and here I am today, shooting other women in the chest."
Hiro: "Remarkable. I had to train for years as a samurai to get as skilled with a blade as I am, and not even I could defeat Shirley Manson."
Bjork: "Oh, she didn't even know I was there, it was nothing, really."
Hiro: "But that was still a clean shot through the chest."
Bjork tells Hiro that she did used to practice sharp-shooting with a bow when she was younger, but then they come upon what they had been looking for.
He was there, the goat singer himself. Eddie Vedder was goating away to Even Flow... but then he sees Hiro and Bjork approaching him.
Eddie: "Halt! I am the king of this forest!"
Bjork: "Oh please... shut up you dirty hippie."
Eddie: "Halt, I say!"
Hiro: "Sir Vedder, we were merely in these woods so our companions Mark Lanegan and Tom Waits could relieve themselves, because we were not near a civil place to do it."
Eddie: "I command you to halt, and all you do is tell me of your befouling of these woods!? I am king and lord of this wood, how dare you intrude upon it without permission?"
Hiro: "Excuse me? Sir Vedder, we were not intruding upon anything, we merely stopped for a break and Bjork and I thought we heard a goat, and we found you. And you immediately began telling us this is your wood, as if it were there for the taking of any one man?"
Eddie: "But these are MY woods! And as KING I command you to leave at once! You have befouled my forest, and intruded without permission! If you do not escort yourselves out immediately, I may be forced to carry your dead bodies out myself."
Hiro and Bjork stand their ground. And thus, Eddie picks up his battle axe and begins trudging after them.
Hiro and Bjork nodded at each other and take off in opposite directions... Hiro to Eddie's left, Bjork to his right, circling around to be on opposite sides of Eddie.
Eddie is not feared, for he is a VIKING! Bravery is fuel for more strength! Fear is for the weak!
Eddie charges after Hiro, who then leaps into the air after Eddie and pulls his sword out. He kicks Eddie in the face and lands securely on his feet. Eddie falls to his back, and leaps to his feet once again, angry. Bjork swoops in from behind and takes out Eddie's feet; he is on his back again. And just in time Hiro jumps into the air again and lands right over Eddie, and points his sword right at Eddie's throat.
Eddie: "Well met, swordsman and lady. But I have yet to lose a battle, and I don't intend to yet."
Eddie grabs Hiro by the feet, and tosses him up and behind him. Hiro lands on his chest. With the wind knocked out of him, he can't get up. Bjork simply smiles and dashes out of sight.
Eddie turns, looking down upon his recovering opponent.
Hiro stands up, ready to fight again.
Just as the two get into heavy hand-to-hand combat...
We look back at how Tom and Mark are going.
Mark: "Golly Tom, when I grow up I want to be an astronaut."
Tom: "Wha's an asternut?"
Mark: "An astronaut flys spaceships and goes to the moon."
Tom: "I like cheese."
Mark: "Did you know that cheese comes from cows, not the moon?"
Tom: "I could go for a steak right now. And a bottle of rum."
Mark: "My momma says rum turns even the kindest men into the nastiest scoundrels."
Tom: "My daddy says rum can turn a fat lady into a fine woman, so don' drink too much unless ye' wanna wake up wit' the wrong girl."
Mark: "I'm not sure I understand, Tom."
Tom: "I understood when I was y'er age, ye' should be about lookin' to find y'erself a girl, sonny."
Mark: "I'm not sure I understand, Tom."
Tom: "Y'er hopeless, boy."
Mark: "Look, there it is, it's the dog that I heard barking!"
Tom: "That ain't no dog, boy."
And sure enough, it wasn't a dog.
What the two friends saw were looking at was a grown man rolling around on the ground, and stumbling around on his hands and knees wearing barking like a dog.
Tom: "I told you you didn't hear a dog. Geddy Lee got whacked in the head too many times, so now he's gone crazy. He thinks he's a dog."
And it sure was Geddy Lee, the very same who played bass and sang for Rush, acting like a dog.
Meanwhile....
Eddie and Hiro were both badly bruised from the brawl. They both looked beat and exhausted, too tired to go on.
Eddie: "Bravely done Hiro, bravely done. But I do not believe I am defeated as of yet, for neither of us is dead yet, and your lady friend fled long ago."
Bjork: "Oh really?"
And she jumps down from the trees overhead, and arches her bow and points an arrow straight between Eddie's eyes.
Eddie: "Ahah! I have been decieved! What cowardice, but cowardice that leaves me defenseless, nonetheless."
Bjork: "It was nothin'. Say, what's that noise?"
The three of them hear thundering, but they can't tell which direction it's coming from.
Meanwhile...
Tom and Mark see Geddy Lee barking and romping around, acting like a dog.
Mark says: "Say there, Mr. Lee, are you playing a game."
Geddy: "Grrr..... Geddy doesn't like you! Bark bark!!"
Mark: "Mr Lee, why are you acting like a dog?"
Geddy: "I said BARK! Barrararah! Grrr!!"
Tom: "I had a dog when I was a boy."
Geddy began lumbering after Mark on all fours, growling and barking. Tom just stood there and watched while the two of them ran in circles around him. He began to tell stories about his dog when he was young...
Tom: "One time me and Chipper snuck into an old folks home and Chipper got ahold of some old ladies medicine. He started barkin' at nothin' and runnin' into walls."
"Another time we went to the river to go fishin'. He just hopped in the water and was nippin' at fish with his teeth, he caught more than I did."
"Then one day... he got in a fight with another dog... they was just'a thrashin' about... I was worried sick..."
Then Tom began to cry...
"He won the fight... *sniff* but he was bleedin' real bad... the vet took 'em in, but he caught hydraphobie and started thrashin again... *sniff... so they.... had to put him down..."
"It was so god awful... my poor Chipper..."
And then Tom really broke down... Geddy and Mark quit running in circles and saw that their friend Tom was in tears, and knew they had to quit fighting.
Mark: "It's okay, Tom. I'm sure Geddy here would love to be your new dog, would'ja Mr. Lee? Would'ja?"
Geddy: "Bark! I like Tom! If he would be friends with Geddy, Geddy could be friends with Mark, too! Bark bark!"
Mark: "That sounds wonderful! Waddya say Mr. Tom Waits?"
Tom: "*sniff* I really miss having a dog around, and you have a lot of spirit..."
But then, they heard a thundering off in the distance.
Mark: "Geddy, boy! This is scary, could you help us find our friends Hiro and Bjork?"
Geddy: "Arf! Sure thing!"
So Geddy began sniffing at the ground... then he perked up, then he chased off after something. Tom and Mark ran after him.
Meanwhile...
Hiro: "Oh my lord. That noise... When I was training as a Samurai, I was warned about this."
Eddie: "I know what it is. It is The Coming of the Bron-y-aur."
Hiro: "Yes, I have been told of the legends."
Bjork: "Look out! There it is!"
And it certainly was... the enormous cottage android, known as the Bron-y-aur Stomp, was stomping it's way after them.
The Bron-y-aur Stomp is as tall as a five story building, has infra-red vision, rocket boosters so it can fly for a short while, and a gamma ray cannon. It's head is the Bron-y-aur cottage, and is manned by the evil mad scientist, Dr. Robert Plant, who designed and built the Bron-y-aur Stomp himself. The robot is actually hidden right below the cottage, but when activated it unearths itself. Also, the robot is where Dr. Plant resides and conducts his experiments; the Bron-y-aur cottage is just where he thought it would make a great location to work from, but it led to him designing an underground lair/attack robot.
There it was, getting closer and closer every second. And just in time.... Tom, Mark, and Geddy found Hiro, Bjork, and Eddie.
Mark: "Hiro! Bjork! Gee wiz, what is that thing coming after us? And who is your new friend? Is he joining us for tea?"
Eddie: "Tea? I drink Ale!"
Hiro: "That is the Bron-y-aur Stomp, the giant robot, controlled by mad scientist Dr. Robert Plant. I was told of the legends while training as a Samurai."
Tom: "I like ale, too."

[wise storyteller]: "You know what, I'm really getting sick of writing this. I'll just make up a conclusion and you'll have to wait for Part 2."

Bjork: "I got up feelin' sooo down!"
And so Bjork immediately started singing Outshined, in a trance, as though she were casting a spell...
But we will have to wait and see what happens in Part 2.

Goodbye for now children.

[Matt G]

I didn't read any of that and don't plan on doing so in the future.

[Pink]

[SanTropez]

I actually read it, and don't know what to post...

[Decency of a madman]

I want part 2...that was intense.

[Kadakron]

Haha, I found it pretty good. Just because of the characters though.